Sacrifices
by lightpathetic
Summary: Story 5: Just a small conversation between Kaname and Zero about children. It is set in the distant future during Kaname's marriage to Sara. Inspired by ASR and my other works. KanameXZero


Sacrifices

_by lightpathetic_

Zero let himself into the main house and walked into the reception room, instantly heading for his favourite reclining chair near the window. He had keys to both his home - which was also on the grounds on the estate – and the main house where Kaname lived with his family. Kaname had had his home built for him, some distance away, which was respectful enough to Sara. It was anyone's dream, but mostly very extravagant - Kaname ignoring Zero's pleas that all he wanted were four walls, a roof and a bed when he saw the jacuzzi, indoor pool AND bowling rink being installed. It contained everything Zero had ever mentioned he may like in a home. The damned vampire had probably memorized every little thing Zero had ever said that he would want, which normally came up, come to think about it, when Kaname had asked. How was Zero to know Kaname was taking him seriously? However despite this Kaname had also insisted he have keys to the main house so that he could come and go as he pleased, showing him the luxurious "guest suite" with its own private entrance that was off limits to everyone else but Zero - his face still heated every time he remembered how they had christened the room; Zero having been determined to make Kaname forget where he was, who he was and having largely succeeded. (Sara didn't speak to either of them for days afterwards...) Still he tried not to use any of these things but today he didn't want to disturb anybody as they would all have their hands full; staying in the reception room as if he was an average visitor and waiting. Waiting until he was needed.

He stretched out his legs on the foot rest trying to ease the inconsistent circulation in his legs. He was still active as a hunter, having just gotten back from South Africa. He was about finished in his pursuit of a fugitive vampire of noble blood before he received the call that Sara had gone into labour. Kaname expected him to be present at the births of his children and wasn't pleased that Zero had gone on this hunt at this particular time. But Sara had been fine when he had gotten the call to go and he _was_ the leading expert on trapping vampires of noble class and above. Of course it helped that he was Kaname Kuran's. The vampires that knew their stuff didn't dare try to fight back too seriously. Zero had long ago given up being embarrassed and annoyed at this fact and used it to his advantage, bringing in many a dangerous criminal this way.

Still he admitted he was advancing in age a bit. His hair was graying and his wrinkled visage had persons thinking that Kaname was his grandson when they went out together. Before, when this happened – when Kaname had just looked like his _son_ – Kaname would just kiss him full on the lips, with tongue, in front of everyone and enjoy Zero's discomfiture. Now Kaname had no sense of humour about Zero's clock winding down. He would buy the latest health foods and force Zero to eat them; try to make him see specialists… He didn't have to make Zero work out as it was essential to his being an active hunter, but he tried everything else to prolong Zero's life. Zero humoured him sometimes, knowing Kaname would feel better if he was trying his best to stop it, but Zero knew the inevitable was coming. He had no regrets. He had had a long run. He had been ready to go at Yuuki's death almost a century earlier so everyday since had been a blessing.

Zero came out of his reverie as he felt Kaname locating him. It was time. He didn't leave his position, only shifting unconsciously so he could see the door to the private stairs at the end of the room. He never intruded on such times between the couple. It was bad enough that Kaname had insisted that his lover stay a very active part of his life after they had married. Zero hadn't wanted to be a fifth wheel like this. He was prepared to move on, just be friends at the very least. They had been together for nearly one hundred and forty-four years, with Kaname's impending marriage hanging over them the entire time. Zero had prepared himself and thought Kaname had too. But when it came time he… pleaded with Sara and they had come to some arrangement. Zero didn't know what it was, but Sara tolerated him with barely concealed venom at family occasions and social gatherings; tolerated him when Kaname insisted that he was family and was to have a hand in the rearing of their children; with "Uncle Zero" being able to discipline them and take care of them as if they were his own… Kaname had gotten his wish. He was able to have access to all he loved dearly. In exchange? Zero wasn't sure. But when he saw how Kaname was around Sara, doting and patient, and when the third child came along, the then the fourth and fifth... When Zero realized that he only was intimate with Zero once a week, did it dawn on him what Kaname must have promised. He didn't bring it up anymore, though, and continued to be supportive... and patient.

The door to the private staircase opened and in strode the subject of his thoughts, walking confidently into the room, knowing as he did that Zero was there. Zero's heart always reacted to seeing the tall, handsome pure-blood. He didn't look like he had gotten a year older in all the time they were together. His hair was still flawless, his skin still soft and smooth. Zero had just gotten more and more self conscious about his aging body over the years. But Kaname's appetite for him never changed, though he had stopped teasing him about each wrinkle he found…

"Zero, I told you to stop slinking around here like this. Everyone else is upstairs."

Zero smiled and played the card that always subdued Kaname.

"You know how it is with me and stairs Kaname. My left knee is still aching from the aeroplane."

Kaname sucked in an irritated breath, knowing full well he was being played. Zero simply didn't want to intrude on "his family's time" which was ridiculous. But as he hated discussing Zero physical ailments, and they had had this argument many times over the years with no result in his favour, he let it slide. Instead he walked over to Zero and bent, kissing him on the lips and handing over the bundle he was holding preciously with both hands.

"Meet Hanna, Zero."

Zero's eyes widened.

"You mean…?"

"Yes. We finally have a girl. About time too. Seven boys would have been too much for even me."

Zero smiled at this comment, knowing Kaname adored his children. He was strict with them but fair. They were all lovely boys as a result. But the girl he knew Kaname would spoil rotten.

"She is gorgeous. And already has a firm grip. Look at that." Zero was touched as Hanna wrapped her little fingers around Zero's index finger and refused to let go, all the while peering at him as if he was something wonderful and new. He stroked her little head and looked up at Kaname beaming from ear to ear. Kaname stood over him and watched them closely as if sealing the memory in his mind. He always did this. Not smiling, not moving, just watching. It always made Zero uncomfortable, but he tolerated it as it seemed important to Kaname to watch him like this. But he never explained why…

Eventually Kaname turned though and walked towards the window and gazed out, running his hand through his hair tiredly. Zero guessed he was up with Sara since she went into labour yesterday.

"How is Sara?"

"She is fine. She is already healed up but exhausted. I stayed with her until she went to sleep then came downstairs."

"That's good. I am glad she is okay." It was all he could say. He knew Yuuki had a time of it with all her children. Between the stitches and the exhaustion, she was near collapse when it was all over, each time; each time swearing she would kill her husband if he ever came near her again. But she always rallied after the dark period of worry for all of them and rose again to wish for more children. She stopped at Ken though, which knowing Yuuki must have been a hard decision. Zero had felt protective of all her children as his own because of the pain she endured for them, and could be seen often on visits making a fool of himself playing tea-time, or hide-and seek or reading with "voices" some book about a "purple walnut that could" for all of them until they grew older and he saw them through school, then college and then family life, until he couldn't anymore because it was obvious he and Kaname weren't aging as they should… Zero still watched from afar and called Yuuki often for updates; delighting in all their achievements great and small until her death with all her family around her at eighty-four… Now they too were gone. The result being that something also died in Zero. Not that he noticed. But it was noticeable to Kaname. A readiness to die that had crept into his manner. As if he was just treading water until he could die as well. He went through the motions convincingly but… Kaname wouldn't tell him but he always hoped that there would be the spark in his eye for his own children that he'd had for Yuuki's. He went through this ritual each time, making sure Zero was one of the first to hold his children to show him that he was a parent too and that this was his family, but Zero never felt that ownership; never showed that possessiveness, and it always hurt him. He had remembered how Zero had cherished Yuuki's daughter and was happy to finally have a girl… but Zero's eyes hadn't lit up. He hadn't even kissed her head.

Kaname turned around and watched as Zero gently inspected his child and felt the old irrational anger grip him. And the sadness. Zero had made a huge sacrifice by staying with him. By staying faithful to him. Kaname had tried to make it up to him. But it didn't seem as if it was working. Zero was going to die with that sadness in his eyes that Kaname could do nothing to erase. Unless. Unless he…

Kaname turned back to the window and gripped the sill. It was funny how after all these years the thought of Zero with another still revolted him. Yet he expected Zero to tolerate many things, including this marriage and his relationship with Sara, which anyone could tell was very… healthy. But despite all he had he wanted more. Having seen how Zero behaved with Yuuki's children, he had fantasized about Zero's holding his own with that same look; had looked forward to their bringing his children up together sharing everything. But despite all he tried Zero kept hold of himself and made a barrier that Kaname couldn't seem to break across. Did he want his own children? Were Yuuki's children somehow more preferable to his own? God, how he drove himself crazy with these futile thoughts. But he wanted all of Zero. All of him. His mood darkened even on what should be one of the happiest days of his life.

"Did Ken return with you?"

"Yes." Zero looked up at the tight note in Kaname's voice, but continued, "He is taking in the report to the Headquarters for me. He should be along shortly."

"I don't know why I tolerate this. It is absurd having my eldest son hunting vampires like some human. He has all my abilities, yet he insists of doing it your way."

"He enjoys the challenge." Zero countered, despite the fact they had this argument many times, "If I didn't know better I would say he takes after me. He loves it better than I do when he masters a difficult spell, and respects all our ways with a gravity beyond his fifteen years. He will make a good vampire hunter, if they ever let him into the organization."

"Hell would freeze over first."

Again that note of barely suppressed violence. Zero stood and walked over to Kaname. He reached up to touch his hair but Kaname knocked his hand away, turned and walked into the room.

"Kaname. You know if you wish it I would stop Ken accompanying me. I don't really think there is any harm done or I wouldn't encourage him…"

Again the submission. _Whatever you want for your children doesn't bother me. _Kaname wanted Zero to fight him. Insist! Say how important it was to him that one of their children learnt his legacy. Yet he capitulated just like that… Kaname knew he was being irrational. Knew there was no way he could form his concern into words without sounding like a lunatic. In any case he had wanted Zero to feel it on his own; not under duress; not to please him like he did everything else…

"Kaname! What is it? What's wrong? And don't tell me it's nothing."

Kaname looked up at the ceiling and then turned back to Zero who was glaring at him with his own irritation. What a pair they were. Gearing up for yet another argument on the day of Hana's birth, the newborn clinging to Zero's shirt as she slept between them.

"Perhaps you should take Hana upstairs so we can talk properly…"

"What's the matter? Have you grown tired of holding her?"

"No! That's not what I meant. Something is obviously bothering you…"

"Do you want you own children, Zero? Do you miss not having them?"

Zero stood flabbergasted for a moment. Where did this come from? Why was he bringing this up now?

"Look, Kaname. If this is about Ken Jr.'s going with me to South Africa I told you…"

"Answer me! Do you want your own children? Would that make you happy?"

"Kaname I am happy now. I have you and the kids and everything I could possibly wish for."

"Don't lie to me. There is something missing. I can feel it. I know it. I remember how you used to be with Yuuki's children…"

"Kaname! What has gotten into to you? Today of all days?! Stop this!" Zero turned and walked back to his chair and sat. Kaname never knew when to leave well enough alone. He needed to control everything.

"No!"

Kaname went over to Zero's chair and knelt by the hand-rest, making Zero look him in the eyes.

"You do don't you? You want your own. That's why you won't accept mine."

"'Won't accept'…! Kaname what you are saying is nuts! I love all your children. Are you saying I don't? How dare you! Have you lost your mind?!!"

"Then why? Why are you so… cold towards them? I know you Zero. I have been with you a long time. I saw how you were with Yuuki's. You opened up yourself to them. You gave them your whole heart. I remember the joy that was inside you when you were with them because it was something I had wanted for myself. It was something I always envied Yuuki for. The ability to give you what you so desperately seemed to want. And now I am in the position to do the same for you, you…."

"Kaname, please stop this. Please. There is no way this conversation will lead anywhere good. Please." Zero pleaded, his eyes trying to say what he couldn't articulate. It was not something he could explain or he wanted to expose for discussion. It would only hurt him. How could he say that they were special to him because they were Yuuki's? Because he saw her in them? Because they were human, like he was once? They were fragile and they were temporary and he understood them; their pain and their joy. He knew what would make them happy and what would harm them. They reminded him of himself and the children he had wanted to raise. Kaname's children were fine, but they were vampires, pure-blooded at that. They developed fasted, they were stronger, smarter, invincible. He had nothing to teach them about life as he still couldn't fathom what it was like to life forever, what it was like to see humans as prey. He couldn't play hide and seek with them and he saw them progress at such a rate that hardly made them children at all. He looked down at Hana's needy little form and knew in a few months she would be bored with any children's story he read to her and would look at him impatiently for a better pursuit of her time. They scared him on a level he himself didn't want to examine, furthest explaining it to Kaname. Only Ken Jr. seemed to tolerate him well. Maybe because they had spent so much time to together while his parents traveled, but he seemed very curious about Zero and what he did and soon he was learning spells and accompanying him to various parts of the planet: just hunting other vampires and making sure his uncle was safe. The boy loved him and Zero took joy in his company. A joy that he didn't quite find with the others…

Zero turned away from Kaname and hoped he would drop the subject. Sometimes he wished dearly that he hadn't bitten Kaname. Without Zero in his life Kaname would have been happier. Invulnerable. Worried about just the welfare of his family and his interests and Zero would have been just a distant memory. Just one bite did this. Just one mistake.

"Don't shut me out Zero. Tell me what I can do… Is it that you need to… to…" Kaname couldn't bring himself to say it. Zero smiled and cupped Kaname's face.

"No Kaname. I don't need anyone else. You think I could be happy doing that, knowing you would be here suffering. I have long accepted how you are, Kaname. I love you, just as you are. I don't want anyone else."

"But what about…"

"God dammit Kaname. Just leave it! You think you can solve all of my problems? Well you can't. We all had to make sacrifices to stay together. Sara has had to tolerate your love for me and knowing you are with me the one day in the week when her bed is empty. I have had to live with knowing where you are and what you are doing the other six days. I am not ecstatic about it, but I endure because I love you. I stay because I want to. So I don't have kids. I am fine with that. I have accepted that. I am still here. So stop this! You can't have everything. You can't take away all of my pain. You can't have all of my heart. Just accept it, Kaname! Just stop this and let's be happy for Hana. Please."

Kaname stayed a while longer looking into Zero's eyes. It was hard to let go of this thing he had wanted so desperately. But he forced a smile and nodded, getting to his feet. Maybe some things were best left alone. He was sorry now he had let his jealousy and his insecurity get the better of him. Zero was doing the best he could in the circumstances and all he was doing was being more demanding. He could kick himself.

"You were gone over a week. How are you feeling?"

"Okay. Just a little tight in the chest. I suppose it didn't help my mood."

"I am sorry I brought it up. It is just that I had wanted this so much for us. Do you know how much I love seeing you holding the children? I just wished…"

"Yes I know. But I love them dearly, Kaname. Truly. However I think you should take Hana upstairs and come right back. I'll be waiting on the couch."

Zero smiled as he saw Kaname's eyes dilate and a flush spread to his neck. He was always amazed that even after all these years the thought of making love with him still excited Kaname this much. Kaname nodded and turned away heading to the door quickly but careful not to jar Hana. He was already looking forward to the encounter.

Zero leaned back in his chair and sighed. His thoughts going back over the conversation they had just had. He would try harder where the children were concerned. He shouldn't let his feelings get in the way like that. He was surprised that Kaname had noticed his reserve. Zero sighed again looking absently at the door Kaname had left ajar. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised considering how well they knew each other. Kaname was too sensitive where Zero was concerned. He would be more careful in the future.

Zero pressed forward to stand and walked over to the couch in the corner of the room, knowing from past experience that it was cramped but would hold them both well enough. He spread his jacket on the seat and removed his shirt, ignoring the door behind him closing and the tread he knew so well approaching him.

Kaname walked up to Zero and threw his arms around him, pulling Zero towards him, enjoying the feeling of Zero melting into him at his touch; the sound Zero made as Kaname firmly tongued his left ear and drew Zero's ear-lobe into his mouth. Zero tried to twist around but was held firmly as Kaname started on his neck and spine, not stopping until Zero whimpered and his knees buckled. They both fell unto the couch and only then did Kaname allow Zero to touch him, but first…

"Zero." Kaname cupped Zero's face and made him open his eyes to look at him.

"What is it, Kaname? Can't it wait until after…?"

"Swear to me that this is all I can do for you. Swear to me that you will let me know if I can change anything for you."

"Yes. For the thousandth time, yes! I swear. Now could you focus on the task at hand?"

Kaname smiled and dipped his head, not going lower until Zero was well and thoroughly kissed.

_lightpathetic wrote this but these are not my characters. I am grateful to "Vampire Knight"._


End file.
